YOU BELONG WTH ME

...i fell in love with Taylor Swift when i laid eyes on her singing Teardrops on my Guitar on youtube.. i fell in love with her the 2nd time around when You belong with me releases... its like Taylor Swift has been singing my life... and my heartaches (waaaahhh)

"Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
that what you're looking for has been here the whole time..
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me"

i have bled once more

A friend of mine once said to me "swerteha nimo Carms, i wish i am you.." I just smiled and silently think "if kahibawo pa lang ka.. shudi jud ka mag-wish ana" and here is a sort of wicked, busted, abnormal poem that best describes my life..

**************************

at that certain moment..
i was able to know that i meant nothing to that person..
and that realization is so painful..
it hurts so bad that i have gone completely numbed..
its like my heart has been paralyzed..
it hurts to know that your love is just a waste..
that your love has no future..
that your heart will be for all eternity is without a home..
how can you say you love someone when you can't even comfort a person when the person has been washed down the drain?
it would be so easy to just be 6 feet under - literally..
i don't wanna cry anymore..
i don't wanna live life..
what's there to live for when you can find no reason..
m so tired..
m even tired to think..
i hope when i sleep, i won't wake up and live to see another day..
because each day is a miserable one..
i can't remember being happy at all..
not even once..
of course i smile so many times but that sort of happiness never lasts..
the kind of happiness that i have been searching for is something that leaves a mark to your heart..
that kind of happiness occurs when you actually smile from the heart and not just smiling from your lips..
26 years of existing like a living zombie..
breathing but not actually living..
how pitiful this life is..
26 years of being just lead on by everyone close to your heart..
26 years of being just played on..
i can't wait for the day when my heart beats no more..
i hope it will be today for i don't think i can stay sane feeling like a total glitch in this f*cked-up world for a minute or two..
all i need is love..
a true and pure love..
someone my heart can completely depend on at any given moment..
someone who totally, willingly and without absence catches me everytime i fall..
because when i love, i love with all of me..
it may not seem like it and i may not be able to show it for i don't know how, but i am the sort of person who loves with everything she has..
i can even give my life for love..
it would be so nice to find someone who loves you exactly the way you love them..
the type of love that can care for no one and nothing except only the two of you..
the kind of love that could give up everything in life but what you two has shared..
it is unbelievable that i still have tears to shed after crying for the past several years now..
if all the tears that i have shed in this lifetime will become rain..
m sure the whole world will be raining non-stop for a year..
i hope someone can understand and can actually see the real me..
that this is just a mask..
that i am just wearing a mask..
a mask waiting to be pulled-off by love..
that i will actually pull this mask off when i can actually feel that i will never be left alone no matter what happens..
i don't know how to show my love to the people that i love..
i make it a point to show them but everytime i do, they never see it..
and i always end up crying..
if loving is an art..
then i guess i will never be called an artist for that because i don't have the talent..
i hope loving is like singing..
maybe then, i can find a way on how to show my love..
i am really a glitch in this world..
i hope HE will take my life for it is useless..
i hope HE will take my life and give it to some cancer patient who can make people shed tears at death..
for i am 100% sure that when i die, no one will ever care or notice, let alone my parents because they don't have a choice - i am after all a being who came to life because of them..
and now tell me, do you still want to be me?

2009 -- wit 1 of my precious oldies -- PAPAdearie

we are in a place of mourning when we have taken this shot but shudi jud mailhan kay all smiles.. bastosin ang show.. like father like daughter.. hihi



this one pic here was taken last may 2009, we were riding on a bus (that's why it has that certain hair effect).. but picture2x gihapon oi..

taken this Aug 2009, 4 days ago.. papadearie was busy texting and stuff and m busy taking pixes of us.. hhmm, papa is like oldie na jud.. nyahahaha.. but i love this guy so so so damn mucho:)

Love - wikiHow

Love - wikiHow

+ + +

"...i wish i am like the air that could stay for as long as they want...

...but i guess everyone is like the wind which only comes and goes...

...i guess one can only become an air if one is allowed to be...

...i hope someone will allow me to become an air for them...

...i will be more than willing to stay..."

winks 'n tinks (WIKAY & TINGGAY)

hhmmmm........... vid made almost two years ago when mybitch and i are still sending that cwazee mms almost everyday... what happened to us? i wish we would stay BFF for all times... i miss you mybitch... please reply to my sms and also, visit this sick-o blog of mine if you have the time because truth is, sakura-nerAk, ma shei and all the brazters PaAsu are no longer updating their blogs and so my blog is so lonely na.. huhuhu.. if you have noticed, almost all my previous entries are of mugna2x and out from suicidal tension.. anyway, as proof that i really miss you.. that i really miss 'us'.. i have posted this vid that you have personally made for us almost 2 years ago.. (gihagoan jud ni nimo noh) yep, i know super yagit and all, nevertheless, that is what makes it nice.. it makes us soooo human.. hihihi.. so for you mybitch -- the vid that you have thought i have never appreciated.. hhmm.. think again.. now, it is proudly posted!! (yep, 2 yrs late but d ba, better late than never.. hihi)

SO HAPPY TOGETHER

very, very TIRED and completely JADED

"i am finding it hard to care about anything these days...
in fact the only thing i do care about is the fact that i can't care about anything...
i don't even care if i die this instant...
seriously, what is the thing or who is that asshole who turned me into a living zombie?!?"

(i kindda like that quote..)

I am named Carmelle.. yeah, what kind of name is that? I mean it may sound Holy because of that miraculous Virgin Mary of Mt. Carmel but honestly, me having a name like that.. i don't even know if that can be considered an honor or should i be glad? I mean will that name serve as my ticket to heaven? Can that name make my life get any livelier? Any brighter? wtf! Why am I here? Yeah, the question my subconscious has been diggin into for an answer for the past 26 years now... and what am i doing updating this sick blog anyway?!!!! oh yeah... i am updating this blog because this is the only way to release the tension i am feeling or else.......... --- crap!!! lemme just cut this short.... this has no value anyway............ life has no value.............

love letter

Dear Jordan,

This is the story of the first and last time I ever fell in love with the beautiful, complicated, fascinating woman who inhabits my soul. I am pretty sure you are gonna leave me tomorrow so I better say this while I have the chance. Whether we are together or apart, you will always be the woman in my life. The only man I ever envy is the man who wins your heart and I always believe that it is my destiny to be that man. If we never see each other again and you are out walking one day and you feel a certain presence beside you..that will be me..loving you wherever I am.

Love,
Charlie


***********

hhmmm.. isn't this the best love letter ever??? haay.. i really like love letters and this one here from My Sassy Girl nails it..!